The Big Bad Book Of Kane
by kanepackman1
Summary: This is a short compilation of stories that I did when I was 8. I'm aware they're crap, and I'm aware they're short. To be honest, I don't really give a shit if you give me any hate.


**I am aware that these are the shittiest stories ever, I made them when I was 8. Give me a break!**

**Trapped in Black Ops**

It was a dark, stormy night and Kane and his friend Lewis were playing black ops on Nuketown. Because they were noobs, they were on beginner mode on combat training. Suddenly, a random piece of lightning coincidentally swerved into the room and smashed into the T.V. A mini portal sucked both Kane and Lewis into the game, (If you have a very bad memory, its black ops)

"What the?" Exclaimed Kane

"Um, Kane… I think we're in black ops, look! We can pick our classes!" Corrected Lewis

"Awesome!"

"Let's go pwn some noobs, as the kids say back home!" Screamed Kane

And with that, they both charged into the enemy base! BANG! BOOM! ARRGH! OW! OUCH! SEMTEX!

"Wait, why are we back here again? Oh… Right, I get it."

Just then, Lewis spawned.

"What the- I'm underground. I'm in a glitch?! Yay!"

"Hey! No fair!" Cried Kane

So, as Kane was being annihilated, Lewis was speeding ahead, gaining points every five seconds. That was what happened for about 45 minutes when FINALLY an enemy saw Lewis!

"erm, h-hi?"

BANG! Lewis was back where it all started (at the base)

"OH COME ON!" Screeched Lewis

But, at that exact moment, (in a good way) Deadmau5 Randomly floated out of the sky and landed, before a convenient D.J board landed in front of him

"Looks like you two need some help..." whispered Deadmau5

"oh my god this is like my dream, except for all this Nuketown stuff. And the enemies... and the guns... you know what, just play the song Deadmau5."Screamed Kane

"My pleasure"

(I think you know what happened next... Oh! You don't? Well, anyway here's what happened...)

So, Kane and Lewis both cocked their guns and Deadmau5 played his song*. Kane and Lewis screamed like maniacs (or Rambo) and sprayed their guns everywhere.

THUD! They had (finally) done it! Or had they? Dun dun duuuun! Nah, I'm just kidding... Or was I? Dun dun duuuun! Yeah... I was.

So that was the end of the match and Kane and Lewis both felt a distant wind (No, not that sort of wind -_-) Before long, they were lifted off the ground and teleported back into Kane's house.

Well, that just about covers that story. I guess all there is left to say is, please read the next story :D

THE END

(Maybe...)

**Trials Terror**

It was now a snowy night (not a stormy one) Kane and his best friend Cavan were playing trials evolution. They were on multiplayer when, a strange guy mic spammed. His name was Adolf Hitler. After about 4 seconds, he quit the game. But, the mic spamming was still being heard.

"Um… This is weird Kane…"

"You don't say!"

And with that, they were both lifted off the ground.

"K-Kane? Is this good or bad?"

2 minutes later, they heard a very familiar song…

"Cavan, is this what I think it is?"

"I think so..."

"TRIALS EVOLUTION!"

So, as they both wandered around the levels, They heard a distant song. They knew what song it was. On the forth level they looked through, they could hear an engine. It was getting closer. And closer. And closer...They both glimpsed something in their eyes. But what was it? All they could see was a faint light. And then, it struck them

"I've got it Cavan! If we're in a trials evolution game thingy, and this is a track –more precisely, castle crash- Then that thing that is heading towards us is..."

"A motorbike?" Interrupted Cavan

"Bingo!" answered Kane

"Don't you think we should get out of the way?"

"Nah, its fine!"

"Sure?"

"As sure as my name's Bobby!"

"Your name isn't bobby, it's Kane"

"Then run!"

So, with that, they both jumped out of the way (obviously) before tons of little dust particles covered them. (There has been way to much speech here so let's just move on)

A split second later, Kane and Cavan were frozen in place! They couldn't move a muscle! They both saw a little highlighted rectangle move up and down before selecting "EXIT CURRENT GAME" They could see nothing. Nothing at all. At least, for five seconds until the light came back on. But, instead, they saw a motorbike. And themselves! It was pitch black again. Everything was so safe. And tranquil. In (this time) six seconds, There was some light. They saw strange numbers flashing on the screen. 3.2.1. START!

"Wait! What the! Aren't we supposed to be controlling the character?" muttered Kane

"Relax Kane, look, we can still control ourselves."

"Oh, good..."

"Hey! Cavan, I feel… shorter."

"Yeah, you don't say! We're on micro donkeys"

"HEY! That's my line!"

"Let's get it on!"

"I can do this first time"

"Ouch!"

Kane was back at the start.

"FAAAAAAIL! This is how you do it!" screamed Cavan

BEEP! Cavan had reached a checkpoint!

"What the-?" Screeched Kane

37 faults later, Kane had finally made it!

"WOO YEAH! GET SOME!"

"Hey! That's my line!" Screamed Lewis

"What? Where did you come from?"

And at that moment, Lewis suddenly left the game…

"Aaanyway… let's do the track…"

The engine started up. FLIP!

"OW! Get this micro donkey off me!"

"FAAAAAIL… again!" corrected Cavan

"Whatever Cavan, lets just get this over with…"

Without patience, Kane rocketed off past the random gap, over the random dynamite and through the titanic, vomiting flames.

"Yay! Finally, a checkpoint!"

But what Kane failed to know was, he was on fire!

OW! OW! OW! IT BURNS! HOT! HOT! HOT!

KABLAMO! Kane's motorbike had exploded. And you know the worst part? He was one centimetre of the checkpoint!

"Ok, what?! I mean, really? WHAT?!"

With his voice booming with anger, he spammed the bail out button exactly 125 times.

"Kane, come on now, calm down! Take it easy!"

"Ok, ok… yeah"

"AND LET ME SHOW YOU HOW THE PRO DOES IT!"

"Yeah, ye- WHAT THE-WHAT?"

And with that, Cavan's epic engine purred like a jaguar, before speeding off into the distance!

"C-Cavan! Wait up! C'mon!"

The air was filled with silence… Except the music playing

"Cavan? Where are you?!"

"Okay Kane, you can do this, just one gap. Come on..." he thought

Beep! Kane sighed, would he ever complete this level? Would he ever survive to tell the tale? Yes, well... about an hour later, when Cavan had to guide him through it.

"Yes! Yes! I am the ultimate champion of trials evolution!"

"Yeah yeah Kane, don't get cocky. Wait! What the!"

Their view was darkened... it was pitch black. And then, it struck them...

"What in the world?! This doesn't make sense Kane, how did I only get a bronze medal when I completed the track with no faults, in less than 5 minutes? And you got a platinum medal, when you had 500 faults, and completed the level in 29 minutes?!"

"I don't know, but I like it!"

They both felt raindrops falling on them, before floating into the air. A portal was opened above their heads and they were sucked into it.

"Finally, we're home!"

"Kane, I wouldn't say that, look! There are loads of motorbikes outside of our house!" Corrected Cavan

"Is that really bad? I mean, look on the bright side, we can go on motorbikes all day, every day!"

"Ok, you convinced me, let's play!"

"Trials style! Let's go!" interrupted Kane

_**The End**_

_**attack of the killer cheese puffs**_

_**Prologue**_

The air was filled with tiny, flavoured particles. Like dust, only... cheesy.

"Ugh! Where am I? All I remember is going through a dark alley. Hey! What are these random things floating about? Is that Cheese flavoured? Ok, something weird is going on."

His ear twitched.

"What the? Who's there? I know someone's out there! And you can stop with that noise! It's not scaring me!"

The noise got closer... Crunch... crunch...crunch... Just then, an orange, gleaming curved figure appeared beside the wall.

"This isn't funny anymore! Quit it!"

It got closer. Bit by bit. Step by step, the figure crept towards him.

"Is that what I think it is? A...cheese puff? Get away! No! PLEASE! NO! GET AWAY! NO, NO, NO! AAAAGHHH!"

All was silent...

_**Chapter 1**_

_**First day**_

"Ok new guy, this case is getting hotter by the minute, there's been 24 reports of murder in just 4 days!"

"Right, so what are we dealing with here?" Questioned frank

"All right, you won't believe this but, apparently it's a giant gang of cheese puffs!" Sighed jimmy

"Right, so... how do we know where they are?"

"Only 1 person has survived this attack, and well, he said that he was walking through a dark alley on Sycamore grove and felt some strange, cheesy, Dust particles floating about"

"Ok, so we need to go now then?"

"Yup, get your Pistol, we're going to sycamore grove!"

Just then, Mary (Frank's wife) sprinted out of the waiting room.

"Wait! You forgot this!"

With that, Mary handed Frank his special gold plated gas mask, before speeding off into the distance…

_**Chapter 2**_

_**Aaaand they're off!**_

"Ok, so let me get this straight, we're fighting giant cheese puffs?" Questioned Frank

"Yeah, why?" Asked Jimmy

"Oh! Um...Nothing!"

At that moment, Frank threw his packet of "cheesy puff puffs" Out of the car window, before a lorry coming along and crushing them.

"HOOLIGAN! Bah, kids..."

For a moment, Frank though there was his favourite song on the radio, but what he didn't know was that it wasn't a song, it was a radio dispatch for a robbery! Because no one was responding to the call, They were forced to reply to it.

"Yeah, hey, we'll take it!"

"Ok, the robbery is at oak street bank, good luck guys!"

"Let's go, we'll get back to this cheese puff crime later." Responded frank

"Ooooh, getting to be the chatty one now are we?"

"Whatever..."

_**Chapter 3**_

_**Bank boys!**_

14 minutes later, they arrived at the bank, as soon as the car stopped, their windscreen shattered into lots of tiny pieces.

"OH GOD! GET DOWN!"

"I know what to do, I've done this before!"

"Alright, let's get the guns out of the trunk!"

"Deal!"

Before long, they were holding M1911's, And giving orders to go to covers.

"Go go go... To that truck, quietly. All right, here's the plan"

"No, wait! I've got a better plan, because they've lost us now, we can go anywhere, if we're quiet. So here's what I was thinking: You go towards that little car over to the right, and I go to that truck to the left. On my mark, we fire straight though the helmets, easy double kill. Got your silencer?"

"Yeah"

"let's go!"

And in 7 seconds flat, they were lined up for the heads.

"Ok, one shot, one chance. 3. 2. 1. Mark!"

Bang! Thud, they had taken out the front guards, now the ones inside were left.

"Good job mate, now we'll need the shotguns, go get them from the trunk, silently!"

With a tiny creak, the trunk of their car was open, and the clattering off shotguns were heard as they were passed through the air.

"All right, get behind me and just wait, on my mark, we'll breach the bank."

"3.2.1. Mark!"

"PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS THE L.A.P.D!" With that, guns were on the floor, tons of them. Chattering of a radio was heard as Frank sent in reinforcements. 23 minutes later, the screeching of a backup squad was heard. "Finally, now we can get to this stupid cheese puff case." "Yeah, let's leave it to the department to interrogate them.

_**Chapter 4**_

_**Aaaand they're off! (again)**_

"Right Jimmy, Got your guns ready? We only have one chance at this."

"Yeah yeah, I know, let's just get it over with"

"Ok, as soon as we get there, I'll tell you the plan but for now, let's turn this siren off. We don't want to attract any unwanted attention"

15 minutes later, they arrived at sycamore grove.

"Turn the engine off; we need to be silent if we want to succeed."

Silence... utter silence...

"Right, open the car doors, silently."

Creak...

"Go go go, to that wall. Alright, here's the plan"

"That door right there, it's guarded by a cheese puff- that entrance is off the list, so we've got to go round the back. Thing is, there's a light at the top of the roof."

"Aaaand? What's the problem, we do have guns!"

"Ok, yeah - I know, but what if there's a cheese puff behind that corner?"

"Then we shoot it!"

Exactly, but where? I mean zombies it's the head, humans it's basically anywhere, but for cheese puffs…Where?"

"Dude, anywhere. That's all we know about them yet"

"Ok, let's go - stealthily, on my mark. 1.2.3. Mark!

Before long, jimmy and Frank were practically hugging the wall. Sliding across carefully like butter. After a few seconds, they peeked round the corner – a cheese puff was scanning the area it was guarding. How could they get past? Jimmy spotted a cola can on the floor.

"Alright, this is probably the worst idea ever but, well, um… You know that coke can right there, on the floor? I'm thinking, if I put it on my gun, it could be a suppressor. And, I know it most likely won't work but, after all- It's our only chance!"

"Ok Frank, but you owe me a can of beer"

"Ok mate, if we make it out alive!"

"Yeah, if we do"

Jimmy shivered; he couldn't bear the thought of being squashed by a giant cheese puff!

"Right, on my mark, we go in there SLOWLY and STEALTHILY, alright? We don't go charging in guns a blazing; we don't know how many of them there could be!"

"Alright…" Sighed Jimmy "But you WILL get me that beer!"

"Got it, alright – let's go!"

With that, Frank walloped Jimmy's back

"Ow! What the-? Why did you do that for?"

"I- Erm… uh… th-there was a fly on your back!"

"Riiiight… let's go!"

**Chapter 5**

**Infiltration (part 1)**

Frank sprinted to a car, before calling Jimmy over- In which he sprinted over to him. They stopped. Dead in their tracks. A cheese puff! What could they do? They only thought that they were the size of normal ones but these were different… about 6 feet, it towered above them…

"Don't… do… anything…"

"S-SORRY?! WHAT WAS THAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THESE CRISPS I'M EATING!" Jimmy dropped his packet of Doritos on the floor. Because of that, every cheese puff cocked their crumby heads to them. They were doomed.

"oh no… Run?"

"Yeah Frank… RUN"

Both of them fled like mad

"Heh… lucky we're cross country runners… eh?" Panted Jimmy

"Yeah… wait… darn it, I'm not - never mind, let's just carry on." Sighed Frank

Before long, both of them were losing breath. Luckily, the cheese puffs were too, quicker! Out of the corner of his eye, Jimmy saw a little shelter out of scrap metal.

"Let's go to that shelter over there and have a rest!"

"Ok, come on!"

They were safe… for now…

**Chapter 6**

**Infiltration (part 2)**

Jimmy and Frank were lying down in the scrap metal when, randomly, a giant cheese puff crunched past.

"AAUGH!"

The cheese puff froze, and then walked off...

"What the?! What was that about?"

"I don't know but we'd better keep moving..."

Frank and jimmy were both crawling along the ground, but they were too loud,

"That's it, I'm tired of hiding, let's go!"

"Jimmy, you really are an idiot sometimes..."

Jimmy frowned, not about Frank calling him an idiot but about what was in front of him.

"Damn, a keypad lock... Heh! Luckily I have a keypad hacker. Even though this is 1972. Weird..."

BEEP! BOOP! DING!BLERT!RANTLE!

"No no no no no! Shut up Shut up Shut up! Darn, even with such tech like this it's still loud..."

"Hey jimmy, so what' wrong now? Oh... You know what, let's just shoot our way through instead of hiding."

So Jimmy and Frank both Fired at the lock until it went "DING!" and opened. They then sprinted as fast as they could (again) through an open alleyway. The door behind them locked.

"Well, there's no turning back now I guess."

They both stopped and stared. Millions of strange canisters were covered across the room. They could faintly see yellow objects inside them. They knew what was inside them.

"Wait so, whoever's in charge of all of this cloned a single cheese puff, and cloned the clones?"

"Erm, yeah Frank. Whatever you say."

**Chapter 7**

**The grand finale**

"Ah! Frank, Jimmy. Glad You could join us! My name, Is Dr. Staple"

"How do you know our names?!"

"That's not important. But what is is how lucky you two are, making it this far! But I'm afraid you're going to both be cheese puffs in a second. Just after I've turned the gas on..."

"QUICK! Put your gas mask that Mary gave you on!"

"What about you?"

"I'll be fine. Do it"

Frank put His Gas mask on; While Jimmy wrapped a scarf around his head.

"This'll be easy..."

BLAM!

"Congratulations Frank, you killed Dr. Staple but, HOW ARE WE GONNA TURN THE GAS OFF?"

"Easy, we press this button here."

BOOP!

"Oh, sorry! This button here!"

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"There we go!"

"Let's just leave these clones here."

"But what about the others outside?"

"I have THIS!"

"A minigun?! In 1972?! You owe me a drink Jimmy!"

_**The darn end!**_


End file.
